Tube Etiquette

People don't really talk on the tube. Ever. Well, except after kicking out time in the late evenings. But the general consensus is "Don't talk. Don't even look".

To be honest, that suits me to the ground. The less you look at people, the less chance of them looking back, and we all know how awkward that would be.

But the other thing that runs hand in hand with the tube is tension. With over 150 people lovingly crammed in to each carriage, it's very easy to get pushed over the edge whilst getting acquainted with an unfamiliar armpit, or unwashed locks. It rarely happens of course, the stiff upper lip always kicks in. But when the frustration brakes out, it's spectacular!

Example A: business as usual at Victoria Station. 998 people waiting patiently on the platform, two individuals waiting impatiently. The doors open, bedlam breaks loose. People flood off, our two heroes sprint on. One of them gets nudged a little.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!! Have some patience" "Yeah, well I need to get on this train too". It goes on. The temperature rises. Voices are raised. It's a stand off! At 8.50am. On the Victoria Line.

This is welcome relief for the other 155 souls immersed in their iPods and Metros. But it gets better as the instigator makes a fatal move. After the best part of a minute of full blown aggression, he's suddenly got nothing more to say. And now they're just looking at each other. Now they are looking away, or trying to, but can't. They are trapped! Stuck three inches from each other, unable to move... Incarcerated by the very crowds that drove them to aggression in the first place.

Of course, both men made a huge error. When the confrontation had finished (and it should have been dragged out 'till at least the next stop), one or other should have bolted out the door. It wouldn't have mattered if it wasn't their stop. That surely wouldn't make them look any less stupid, or impotent, than standing there like a lemon.

But they didn't. And we were treated to four stops worth of pure, awkward, comedy gold.

It could have only been topped by them both getting off at the same station, at the same time...there's always next time...