The day I punched a pregnant woman in the gut

It's true, it really happened. I am ashamed to say that I have sort of punched a pregnant woman in the stomach.

Two things:

1. I didn't know she was pregnant.
2. It was completely dictated by the difficulties of being an Englishman living in modern Britain.

Before I lose either of my two followers, I'd better explain myself. I know the lady in question and I don't hate her, I actually quite like her. We'd not had an argument, in fact, on the day in question, we had yet to speak when the event occurred.

It all happened during our 'greeting', one of the most terrifying, difficult and downright awkward occasions of my life.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've crossed roads, gone in to uninteresting shops, even walked half a mile in the wrong direction to avoid bumping in to friends and acquaintances. All this because of my fear of the Great British Greeting.

On the aforementioned morning, I had gone to meet a supplier on a work trip. I was already put a bit back by a long train journey, and had wondered in to their office without really knowing what I was doing. I stumbled towards a collection of desks hoping to see a familiar face, and finally spotted my account manager, who enthusiastically leapt up to greet me.

We'd met a few times before and spent a lot of time talking on the phone...I tried to think of the correct etiquette for this situation. But she was getting closer. I was running out of time. I had to do something, anything!

I extended a hand for a formal, but friendly, shake. She, however, had decided to go for the less formal and much more friendly cheek kiss. It was too late to pull back my arm...contact was made...

So, as usual, I ended up looking like a stiff lemon to all the people I imagined were watching intently (I mean, why wouldn't they be watching!). And even worse, I'd created an element of doubt in this poor girl's head that was played out when we said our goodbyes. On that occasion, it was me that went in for the kiss, like some sort of lecherous dandy, whilst she came at me with the outstretched paw.

Personally, I think this should be one of our government's first action points. Imagine how much of a better (and safer) world it would be, if we were presented with a handy set of guidelines on avoiding the awkward greeting.