The day I punched a pregnant woman in the gut

It's true, it really happened. I am ashamed to say that I have sort of punched a pregnant woman in the stomach.

Two things:

1. I didn't know she was pregnant.
2. It was completely dictated by the difficulties of being an Englishman living in modern Britain.

Before I lose either of my two followers, I'd better explain myself. I know the lady in question and I don't hate her, I actually quite like her. We'd not had an argument, in fact, on the day in question, we had yet to speak when the event occurred.

It all happened during our 'greeting', one of the most terrifying, difficult and downright awkward occasions of my life.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've crossed roads, gone in to uninteresting shops, even walked half a mile in the wrong direction to avoid bumping in to friends and acquaintances. All this because of my fear of the Great British Greeting.

On the aforementioned morning, I had gone to meet a supplier on a work trip. I was already put a bit back by a long train journey, and had wondered in to their office without really knowing what I was doing. I stumbled towards a collection of desks hoping to see a familiar face, and finally spotted my account manager, who enthusiastically leapt up to greet me.

We'd met a few times before and spent a lot of time talking on the phone...I tried to think of the correct etiquette for this situation. But she was getting closer. I was running out of time. I had to do something, anything!

I extended a hand for a formal, but friendly, shake. She, however, had decided to go for the less formal and much more friendly cheek kiss. It was too late to pull back my arm...contact was made...

So, as usual, I ended up looking like a stiff lemon to all the people I imagined were watching intently (I mean, why wouldn't they be watching!). And even worse, I'd created an element of doubt in this poor girl's head that was played out when we said our goodbyes. On that occasion, it was me that went in for the kiss, like some sort of lecherous dandy, whilst she came at me with the outstretched paw.

Personally, I think this should be one of our government's first action points. Imagine how much of a better (and safer) world it would be, if we were presented with a handy set of guidelines on avoiding the awkward greeting.

"Is this seat taken?"

So I was on the tube the other day...tolerating my hour's journey home, with a killer headache, in one of the hottest environments on earth. And then it happened.

A rotund gentleman, perhaps in his early 60's sat down on the seat next to me, and I started to feel sick. 
Believe me when I tell you that I'm not the smallest guy in the world, so it wasn't his size and inability to stay within his seat area that so offended me.
 
It was the stench.

It was unbelievable! An unrelenting combination of smoke, BO and bad breath. This was a reasonably smartly dressed gentleman too, shirt, suit trousers and a sports jacket. But it smelled as if none of these clothes had been washed since he bought them 40 years ago. And worst of all, his sleeve was touching me! 

But the worst was still yet to come as he started to nod off. By this point I was panicking...what if his head comes to a rest on my shoulder? Would I be able to even touch him to push him off? My headache was getting worse and I did the unimaginable - I gave up my seat, to some guy who was probably 10 years younger than me. 
As I squeezed past people to get to a slightly less crowded area, I started to wonder. Should I feel sorry for the guy? Doe he not have any friends, or a wife to tell him how much he stinks? Does he have some strange disease that has caused his nose not to work properly, so he has no idea how bad it is? Who knows...

One thing's for certain though, there was no way I was going to turn round and make eye contact with the poor young guy cursing me in my old seat. 

Tube Etiquette

People don't really talk on the tube. Ever. Well, except after kicking out time in the late evenings. But the general consensus is "Don't talk. Don't even look".

To be honest, that suits me to the ground. The less you look at people, the less chance of them looking back, and we all know how awkward that would be.

But the other thing that runs hand in hand with the tube is tension. With over 150 people lovingly crammed in to each carriage, it's very easy to get pushed over the edge whilst getting acquainted with an unfamiliar armpit, or unwashed locks. It rarely happens of course, the stiff upper lip always kicks in. But when the frustration brakes out, it's spectacular!

Example A: business as usual at Victoria Station. 998 people waiting patiently on the platform, two individuals waiting impatiently. The doors open, bedlam breaks loose. People flood off, our two heroes sprint on. One of them gets nudged a little.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!! Have some patience" "Yeah, well I need to get on this train too". It goes on. The temperature rises. Voices are raised. It's a stand off! At 8.50am. On the Victoria Line.

This is welcome relief for the other 155 souls immersed in their iPods and Metros. But it gets better as the instigator makes a fatal move. After the best part of a minute of full blown aggression, he's suddenly got nothing more to say. And now they're just looking at each other. Now they are looking away, or trying to, but can't. They are trapped! Stuck three inches from each other, unable to move... Incarcerated by the very crowds that drove them to aggression in the first place.

Of course, both men made a huge error. When the confrontation had finished (and it should have been dragged out 'till at least the next stop), one or other should have bolted out the door. It wouldn't have mattered if it wasn't their stop. That surely wouldn't make them look any less stupid, or impotent, than standing there like a lemon.

But they didn't. And we were treated to four stops worth of pure, awkward, comedy gold.

It could have only been topped by them both getting off at the same station, at the same time...there's always next time...

Welcome

Hi there. I'm not quite sure what to write in my first post. You see, when it comes to social situations, I don't really know what I'm doing. I never know when to shake someone's hand, or kiss their cheek, or how many times to do it. I'm guessing I'm not alone in this, I seem to see people nervously confronting social situations every day.

So anyway, I thought I'd share a few of these situations with you, basically people doing awkward things, making others uncomfortable, and themselves, and me....

Enjoy,

Rich